kin, candy, and cant-shut-up

Well, Its been a little while, lets see whats been going on lately. The kiddos had a great Halloween! B was a bumblebee transformer, E was a princess, and lil B was a cow. It was lil B's first time trick-or-treating! she did really good. My MIL was able to make it up here to spend it with us and that was nice. I always enjoy her visits. I wish they lived closer. It would be nice since shes really the only family member I am (emotionally?)close with, besides my dad. Which is sad. I wish I could be closer to my own family. I don't know, I feel like I'm an outsider when I'm around them for family get-togethers because no one really talks to me. I don't know if they are harboring resentments towards me because of my past, or what. It hurts though. I can say that my grandmother (not my biological one, though sometimes I wish she was) has always always always made me feel more than welcome and special, no matter what. Which is more than I can say for the one I'm blood related to. but thaaaaats another story. I was pretty close with an aunt before they moved overseas, and I really miss her. I'm 95% percent sure that we are going to visit them in march. Which would be so awesome! Nate had been overseas plenty of times, but I never have. So it will be interesting for me. I'm scared crapless of flying, too. So that will not be pleasant. I will def. need a xanax/cabernet/enya c.d combo. calming thoughts. wooooosaaahhhhh. Hopefully I will sleep the whole way. The idea of flying over an ocean really freaks me out, that and flying is just unnatural for people. If we were meant to fly, God would have given us wings. Too bad we cant take a boat. But I'm scared of boats too so that probably would be just as terrible. Jeesh, I was meant to live in a land locked state for sure. Anyway, It would be great to visit another country and see how it differs from ours! I've lived such a culturally sheltered life I probably wont have any idea how to act. I'll just keep my mouth shut LOL. Which, by the way, is something Ive been having a problem with lately. I don't know why, but I've been standing up for myself a lot more lately. And not just myself, other people as well. But I also occasionally offend people, so it kind of works against me too. I don't know why but I've just been on a mission to give the world a piece of my mind. And its not always met with happy ears lol. Whats the difference between standing up for your beliefs, and forcing your opinion on people? Is there a difference? I find myself in this dilemma in matters of religion quite frequently. I don't know where to draw the line. I'm not perfect AT ALL, I actually have made a ton of mistakes in my past. I still make mistakes every single day. So I'm not above anyone, yet I feel like I have the right to decide whats right and wrong. But do I have the right to expect people to bend to my ideas of whats right and wrong? would I be going against my beliefs if I just said 'live and let live' and remained passive about all things? I constantly wonder these things. So in the midst of my new found confidence, I still have reservations. I don't know when its the 'right time' to speak up. So if you're one of the people I've offended recently, I'M SORRY! I never mean to hurt feelings. I really do have a servants heart, and try to please everyone. I even worry about who I'll potentially offend when I write these blogs. Even though its MY blog. Like the Anna Nalick song "And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/ Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/ And I know that you'll use them, however you want to." kind of sums it up right there, funny how music can do that. anyway, I'm super tired and my kids are super early risers. So until next time :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2yiphu8Ff8&ob=av2n

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BIG GIRL!!

Since my last post was kinda heavy, I want to post something a little happier. Its my big girl's birthday today!!! So I thought I would tell her story. My pregnancy with her was my easiest one, but that's NOT saying much. I had gestational diabetes, and constant preterm labor. I also had a low-lying placenta early in the pregnancy where a small part of it overlapped my cervix, but as my uterus got bigger, it was higher up and out of the danger zone. But it was still easier than my first- where I had pretty much the same problems, but I was alone (hubby was deployed) I had no mother figure to call when I had questions, and I had no idea what was going on with my body and what was 'normal'. Plus the doctor I had with him looked and acted JUST like Bill Cosby (seriously he sang while he was giving me a PAP. I didn't know whether to laugh or run.) so I was a little hesitant to spill all my questions and fears. He was a great doctor... just... yeah. Anyway, long story long, I ended up having my son at 30 weeks and he spent a month in the NICU, and he had some major health issues for a while. My pregnancy with her started off kinda rocky with the severe morning sickness, but it kinda tapered off, and everything was calm for a while. I guess she was just resting for the Big Show. I was hospitalized for preterm labor ( and i was dilated to a 4) at 30 weeks. That time in the hospital was some of the worst of my life. I could not get up (not even to use the bathroom. sorry docs, I cheated on that one a bit) I was on a strict diet for diabetes. Hospital food is gross anyway, but add a special diet to that, and I would rather eat dog food. So I didn't eat much but I still ended up gaining more than 20 lbs in 3 weeks. A grand total of 60 lbs for the entire pregnancy. Yikes. I was also on this wonderful drug called magnesium sulfate. Which basically made me feel like I was having a heart attack in the Sahara desert. My heart would pound out of my chest, my head would spin, and I had the AC up full blast and several fans going all the time. Hubby was on the verge of hypothermia, and I was sweating my pregnant butt off. Bless him though, he took it like a trooper. So anyway, I went into HARD labor at 33 weeks. I had to deliver in the OR because she had her cord wrapped around her neck, and they wanted to be able to do an emergency C-section if anything went wrong. So I pushed for what seemed like forever, but I couldn't feel a thing bc of the epidural. Then her heart rate kept dropping. Since she was so close to being out, they used the vacuum and yanked her outta there. Turns out she had a double nuchal. When she came out she was completely gray, she didn't scream, and I was terrified. Hubby rushed to her side and I was so angry because he was blocking my way to see her. I only got to see her for a moment, and she already had a CPAP on her face, so I didn't feel like I really 'saw' her. Hubby went to NICU with her took some pictures for me to see, but it wasn't the same. I had some pretty bad bleeding (sorry those of you who are squeamish) and had to be on pitocin, so it was a while before I could see her. She was 5 lbs 11 oz, so she wasn't 'tiny' like some of the other NICU babies, but she still looked so tired and small in her little warmer bed hooked up to all those tubes. I knew what to expect from my son, and she wasn't as bad as he was, but its still shocking anytime you see your baby like that. She was in the NICU for 3 weeks, and did pretty well. She had a bout of jaundice, but did a lot better than most people expected. We brought her home on a heart monitor (again, just like my son) and we didn't even have as many 'scares' as we were expecting. She only used it for about a month. Its so funny remembering those times. We had to drag that monitor around with us everywhere, she had to wear it constantly. I remember being so angry at people who stared. I wanted to scream "what in the world are you looking at?! shes a preemie!" actually, she did most of the screaming for me. She made up for not crying at her birth, because she cried almost every second after that. She had colic so bad that she was actually hospitalized for incessant crying. (PPD much?? I think so.) And I don't think she had stopped since. Instead of crying now, its incessant whining. I'm starting to think her voice just naturally sounds that way. I know that's just her personality, something that I now find sort of endearing. Like when I was a little disappointed that my beautiful baby girl that I had dreamed about didn't have a hair on her head (seriously until she was two!)  But then it was okay, I LOVED putting bows on her little bald head. And now Shes my little strawberry blond girl, and stands out from my dark haired munchkins. Shes a such a cuddle bug, and a mommy's girl. She loves everything girly and shes shy and sweet and adorable. I look forward to watching her grow. I'm so blessed to have been chosen to be her mommy!

SCHOOL!

I usually write these things at night after my kiddos are asleep, but I'm trying to squeeze this one in before dinner. so bear with me. The only exciting thing happening is the count-down to school starting. It starts Sept 8, and my kids are very excited. what an amazing adventure it will be for them! both will be going this year and that makes me a little excited. I like to think about that 2 hours I will get with just me and belle. what on earth will I do with this time? I could read and play one-on-one with belle for as long as she will let me (shes been miss independent lately), then who knows? grocery shopping? start a new workout routine? re-organize, de-clutter, paint, and re-decorate the entire house? the possibilities are endless when you only have one well- behaved child to look after. when you chase toddlers around the house all day for 4 years, the sudden absence of the task can be a little disorienting. Then I remember back to the days when it was just brennon. I felt like I couldn't get anything accomplished! how could I possibly watch a child and do anything else at the same time? looking back, he probably thought I was pretty annoying, being all up in his space all the time. I ran behind him with a pillow and a broom, so to speak. wow how times have changed!! I can do just about anything, with three, so I'm jumping up and down with excitement (on the inside) with the thought of what I can accomplish with one. Armed with the parenting knowledge I have now, Belle and I can take on the world. One errand at a time. My older darlings have been asking every day if its time for school yet. apparently they cant wait to get away from me. No doubt about it, that means they are growing up. They don't need mommy as much anymore, they're going to be busy meeting new people and learning that they have their own little lives. (i know, i know, it preschool. not college. but it still feels the same!) and that is super depressing. I know I will be a nervous wreck while they're at school. They go to a wonderful pre-school, but I just worry about typical mom stuff. are they going to behave? are they going to get picked on? are they going to learn anything? are they going to do something incredibly embarrassing (for me, not them)? So even though I am dreaming about all this 'free' time, I will probably cry my eyes out when i drop them off, and watch the clock every second until its time to pick them up (which i will do 30 minutes early. just in case, you know, they NEED me earlier.) Chances are, we will all do just fine. so I will try my best to enjoy it and let them enjoy it. because before I know it, they'll be in high school. then none of us will be happy ;p

how much should we care about people who dont care?

wow! what a week. a long one, but a good one. finally got school shopping done, thanks to kids closet!! they're amazing. if  you haven't been to a sale, you should go. I guess I was a little bummed that we don't have the money to buy the kids ALL NEW clothing in the newest styles, but it was a great deal! and the clothes were barely used and super cute. and my DD puts on dresses with snow boots/mittens and butterfly wings. so I know they don't care. Oh and Brennons birthday was fantastic! he played and ate and ripped paper until he dropped. I didn't get to do the dinosaur theme he was hoping for, but I found a really cute sports themed set on clearance. I was totally bummed about not getting him the Dino theme due to "funding" issues. But as it turned out, he was very impressed with all the sports decor and the cake/cupcakes I made for him. and you know, I don't think he would really care either way. As long as he got cake and presents and got to play, he didn't have a care in the world. I SOOOO wish I could adapt to his way of thinking! I've been focusing on the negative instead of the positive, and I HATE that. I was furious that members of his family didn't send him a birthday card, even though he couldn't care less. I was irritated with the low turnout at the party, even though the people that were there made it AMAZING. and again, he didn't care. he was beyond ecstatic to be able to play with the kids that made it. don't get me wrong, it was a great party and I had just as much fun as Brennon, but I couldn't shake that nagging feeling. just like today, we took the kiddos to the MO fair ( it was military appreciation day, we only to pay 1$ !!) and of course it was crowded as all get-out. we tried to go to several of the shows/events- but when we got there, it was so crowded that there wasn't even standing room and we couldn't see a thing. but do you think any of the very-well-fed-looking fair goers taking up an entire bleacher with their behinds would scooch a bit so my kids could see? shooooot NO! we got dirty looks for trying to squeeze in. I mean hello? you're adults with no kids and you're guarding your vantage point for the piggy races like its your only mission on this good earth. get a life! sheesh! anyway, I got to thinking... you know... I would probably have had a better time if I didn't let that one thing get to me. instead of focusing on that, I should of thought of how SUPER NICE that little elderly gentleman was who stopped and listened to brennon tell him all about god-knows-what. and he listened to brennon with such rapt attention that you woulda thought he was telling him the secret to life. but instead I just muttered a "sorry... " (I don't know why I assume strangers are annoyed by my kids, I feel bad now ) and hustled my them onto the next activity. so why do we care so much about when people don't care? yet when people do, we just expect it and don't think anything of it. Are we really so jaded that we cant appreciate the simple things? if the answer is yes, then that's pretty darn sad. and I don't want my little ones to grow up that way. so if the kids don't have a problem with it, then neither do I! I have stop fighting battles for them that they don't even know exist. I'm going to let go and let god handle my issues. Because believe me, Hes the only one that can handle 'em!

boys, birthdays, and big glasses of lemonade.

Okay, so whats been up lately.... a lot. My master cleanse is over, unfortunately I didn't make it ten days. let me explain what its like. the first couple of days are the worst. the first day, i had terrible migraines and i was SUPER crabby. DH was on my last nerve (and I on his) and the kids were scared to talk to me. NOT a good day. the next day wasn't so bad and it kept getting better from there. i cheated a couple of times (for shame!) but i drank the required amount of lemonade mixture and i could tell it was working. as soon as I started eating food again, my stomach felt like i swallowed hot boiling acid. it was terrible. and NO, i didn't 'ease out' like i should have, and maybe that's the reason. I also started breaking out and getting a flare (eczema) the day i started eating again. could be a coincidence, but i think not. but at least I know what NOT to do next time. and there WILL be a next time, I WILL finish the 10 days and then some. I got some interest from a few other ladies, and maybe the next time i will have someone try it with me. it wont be so bad if i have support. I know its not meant to be a weight loss aid, but i would be lying if i said i didn't hope to lose some serious L.B's. this freaking plateau I'm on is getting really old, and fat. anyway, my little bros were in town recently as well. I love when they visit, i feel like I'm missing out on their lives by living so far away. they're 10 and 12 years younger than me, and they were pretty young when i left home, so we don't really get to 'grow up together' like most siblings. anyway, brennon was so excited! he loves his uncles so much. and i appreciate the fact that they genuinely love spending time with him and the other kids. which is more than I can say for other members of their family. but that's another story. My dad and his girlfriend Debbie surprised him by visiting on his actual birthday, and he thought that was the best gift ever. Dad surprised me by giving me a antique vanity that he refurbished. its beautiful! i love old fashioned things. so overall its been a pretty good week, looking forward to brennons party this Saturday. I love having people over, especially when it is for such a sweet occasion! hope to see y'all there :)